Thursday, September 2, 2010

Ramblings of a mom

How did we get here? How did we get to the place where I can give my son over to the Dr's and say, "Here, take a piece out of his brain." How do you sign up your oldest son for something that, at least in the short term, will cause a lot of pain and suffering? How do you undertake such a big ordeal on behalf of one child, knowing that it will cause jealosy and hardships for the other children? How do you make these decisions?

I know the answer has partly to do with time. Ben has had seizure for a long time, and the neurologist first approached us about the possibility of surgery a long time ago. The answer also has to do with something I've learned in the last 12 years: ignoring something won't make it go away. Believe me, I've tried. But bad things still happen even if I pretend that they don't. When I became a parent I didn't know that making life changing decisions for someone else would be part of the deal. But they have to be made, and inactivity is not one of the options.

I know the answer partly has to do with fasting and prayer. I did not have one big "SURGERY IS THE ANSWER" moment, but there was a gradual feeling of peace, and confidence that this was the best choice. Ben has had a hard time this summer, with even more seizures than normal, and I like to think that one of the reasons why is to keep us heading in this direction, to keep us from chickening out. That Heavenly Father, who know the end from the beginning, wants us to do this.

I have been pretty certain of this decision. Until now, when it is so close to happening. Now its a lot scarier. After a lot of waiting, thinking, testing, and waiting some more, the time is here. It is our best hope for Ben, to have a normal life. I'm a little bit freaked our right now, but here we are just the same. Good luck Benny! We love you.


  1. How do you respond to a post like that? We are praying for Ben and your family. I'm sure you and Scott made the best decision for Ben. We are looking forward to him having a seizure-free future that will lead to independence, driving, a mission, marriage, and then you'll be an old grandma! I have faith that this surgery/our prayers/fasting will heal him. Hang in there!

  2. I am glad you posted this, even though I am even more glad you are feeling better. I love the picture of little Benny. I think I would have made the same decision if I were in your shoes. We'll keep praying:)

  3. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us. Now that I'm a parent, I can't imaginge doing what you are doing. I know the Lord is watching over you guys during this whole process. We love Ben so much and wish we were there in person to give you some moral support, hugs, meals, whatever you would need.


  4. Don't second-guess yourself, Kathy. Where he'd done the medicine route, and it wasn't controlling the seizures, you all made a very careful, thought-out choice with lots of testing. From what you have said about the doctors, I am quite impressed with just how careful they have been to make sure they could isolate the part of the brain causing the problems -- the tests, the mapping, checking memory, checking memory function again....those are the kind of docs you want.

    As far as the jealousy factor for the other kids, I think that will go away really quickly once they see his huge scar. LOL. Ben will have you during the day. The other kids will still get lots of your attention after school. If you guys want to have some time out with the other 3 once Ben is home, I'd be glad to bring Taylor with me to keep Ben company since I'm sure he'll be down for a while at home still. The 2 could play video games.